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Wow.

My father died 15 years ago. I found out on my birthday and we put his death date at 5/30. I know he died at least the day before my birthday because that’s when the police found him, but I don’t know exactly when he died. Someone said they heard him moving around the day before. But for me, for the past 15 years, my birthday has been the day I knew he died.

Yesterday, for the first time, I thought about my birthday celebration and not my father’s death. Only later in the night of my birthday did I remember. Is this healing or forgetting or both?

I feel I have let him down…not remembering. But he let me down too, dying when he did. He had some control over that date. Some.

I feel freed. Free to love him for who he was without the curse of this date. But knowing I think that date was key for him … he wanted me to remember.

I let him down this year. But I feel life moving on. I’ve moved on from 1997 for many years, for many reasons.  But I firmly grasp the healing hands of time today.

 

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